The Guest
At one time
You appeared wanting me
With no pride
but no regret
I rejected you
Precisely
Securely
and I cried when you left.
You came again
Just a visit
I was ready for you this time
But you insisted on leaving
You played with the idea
Of staying
I feel that I almost had you convinced
But now you're gone
And I cried again.
I invite you to return
Officially
Bring your friends
I'll build a home here for you
And carry you to term.
I wrote this in 2003 right after my first miscarriage. The difference is that I'm really wrestling this time with trying again. It is so emotionally devestating. I feel old and dried up and ready to give up.
On the other hand...
When I was little and at Sunday school, the minister in his Irish brogue, told me the tale about a man being stranded on an island and he prayed to be rescued. A helicopter came by and said "Hey buddy, jump aboard". The man said "No thanks, God will save me."
Is Isis the fertility clinic my helicopter? Do I try again one more time?
On Tuesday I go for a BETA blood test (P will be happy about that) that's to make sure there's no pregnancy hormone still. Then an internal ultrasound to make sure everything is gone and then a follow-up appointment with Dr. Jong. He told me that miscarriages are really hard on him too but he tries to think of them as a positive sign that the pregnancy is possible. Maybe it's a sign that I should reconsider.
