Up and Down

My brother-in-law and I agree on one thing: some people in the world, like him, like to come down, and others, like me, like to go up.  My drugs of choice are caffeine and alcohol and together they create the perfect blend of easing my conscientiousness and revving up my inhibitions.  I'm not truly schizophrenic, but I have this memory self within me that I call Martini-and-cigarettes-girl, and she is the perfect me in absolute self-sabotage mode...the me at 22 years old when I've never been skinnier or living a more existential life.  Here in the year 2010, as I turn 38 and edge ever closer towards 40, Martini-and-cigarettes-girl lurks ever closer and wants to come out more and more often.

I think growing older gives you an excuse to become more and more eccentric and I care less and less what people think of me.  Having said that, it has taken me 4 drinks to have the nerve to attempt this, my first blog entry devoted entirely to me.  This year, the year of the tiger, has been tumultuous already.  I suspect that I'm affecting my life through the auspices of a tiger-filled year, but it may be the other way around.  It would be nice to be able to blame all of my impulsive decisions on the Chinese New Year, or a mid-life crisis, but I'm far too responsible for that. The truth is that I'm evolving, and I'm not sure how I will emerge from my cocoon.  I imagine it will be a combination of hideousness and beauty.  I've been drinking a lot more lately.  I dream of smoking cigarettes again.  And I've started gardening like a madwoman.

Things that I've done already this year:

• seen more than 50 % of Oscar-nominated movies
• threatened to divorce my husband during an anxiety attack
• been kissed by a woman
• sold my house in 5 days
• made an appointment to go to a fertility clinic

I suspect that I'm not alone.  I suspect there are more of you that would prefer to go up.  I invite you to come along for the ride. I've got a thing for cider or pinot grigio but you can drink anything you like.