Sunday, 3 October 2010


The Guest

At one time
You appeared wanting me
With no pride
but no regret
I rejected you
and I cried when you left.

You came again
Just a visit
I was ready for you this time
But you insisted on leaving
You played with the idea
Of staying
I feel that I almost had you convinced
But now you're gone
And I cried again.

I invite you to return
Bring your friends
I'll build a home here for you
And carry you to term.

I wrote this in 2003 right after my first miscarriage.  The difference is that I'm really wrestling this time with trying again.  It is so emotionally devestating.  I feel old and dried up and ready to give up.

On the other hand...
When I was little and at Sunday school, the minister in his Irish brogue, told me the tale about a man being stranded on an island and he prayed to be rescued.  A helicopter came by and said "Hey buddy, jump aboard". The man said "No thanks, God will save me." 

Is Isis the fertility clinic my helicopter?  Do I try again one more time?

On Tuesday I go for a BETA blood test (P will be happy about that) that's to make sure there's no pregnancy hormone still.  Then an internal ultrasound to make sure everything is gone and then a follow-up appointment with Dr. Jong.  He told me that miscarriages are really hard on him too but he tries to think of them as a positive sign that the pregnancy is possible.  Maybe it's a sign that I should reconsider.